Esuda Project

I am raising funds to help start a nonprofit for veterans to create a retreat for them in their time of need. Please take a moment to read my story.

I am a medically retired 82nd Airborne Paratrooper and have been since 2004. I am diagnosed with PTSD and a TBI from my deployment to Iraq. I tried all of the VA techniques for battling my PTSD and after several years of no relief, a private doctor realized there must be something more wrong. After much testing, he found my TBI. PTSD and a TBI each present all kinds of problems and are of course life altering. I kind of worked my way through life the best I could for my kids, constantly trying to fit back into society.

The journey has not been an easy one for me or my family. My family has moved me around quite a bit searching for a place I felt comfortable and safe. We thought we found my home in New Mexico. Grasping for answers, my wife and mother looked into a service dog program and prayed that might help. So after a year of training with my selected service dog, I graduated and I now officially live my days and nights with my service dog by my side. My service dog's name is E-Suda and the name loosely translated from Cherokee means "My Six". To those who do not know the term it basically means that someone has my back or is covering my back or you can just imagine looking at a clock from behind. About the same time I began my service dog training, A&E wanted to show the struggles of veterans with PTSD and planned a series of episodes about veterans with PTSD who had hopes of dealing with life better with their by using a service dog. The show was called Dogs of War and I was selected to be the first episode which was titled simply"Michael". Some of you may have seen it. Being that my life had become very secluded because of so many difficulties with PTSD and the TBI, I was not excited about being highlighted but agreed to do the show if they felt it could help other veterans. I was assured it would. I did not take any kind of pay for the show, even though some people after seeing the episode reached out to me personally wanting to help my family. I insisted that instead of giving the money to me to please give it to the service dog program to help other veterans. With E-Suda by my side, the sun seemed to shine brighter, the air was cleaner, and generally I just felt better about life in general.

To pay it forward, I volunteered to became a mentor for the program and help others work through problems in public with their dog and to help them through to graduation. Working with other veterans and helping them helped me by keeping me focused and associating with others who suffered the same type of issues. Sadly, I have lost many friends to suicide who could not deal with life either. As hard as they tried, they could not "fit in" and after years of trying, they simply could not deal with life any longer and ended it all. They could never find a place that gave them peace and a feeling of being part of life again. Please understand, service dogs do help, but in my case and so many others, the ability to focus somewhat made me realize that I simply do not fit into accepted society anymore. As hard as I tried, there was no moment that life in general was okay any longer. While I was able to step outside more often, the stress of being in crowds or dealing with every day issues with other people caused even more stress. The PTSD and TBI along with my other injuries remained difficult for me - too difficult to even explain.

I tried desperately to be "normal" for my family and for myself but I could never reach that moment that I felt part of the world again. Old friends and some family stopped trying to understand and if nothing else have finally accepted that I am not the same person I was before Iraq. This thought just wouldn't leave my mind, until one day I read a short news story about why veterans coming home had great difficulties in fitting back into society. I found out that less than 1% of the United States citizens have served in the military since 9/11. So basically, the report said with the generational gap it was difficult for citizens to understand, much less connect with military personnel and it was only becoming harder with time. While mentoring I worked closely with one of the trainers who is a retired Marine and he confessed he felt like he no longer fit into society either. We compared notes with other veterans and found we were not alone - not by any means. We discussed how non-profit organizations put these huge gatherings together so that veterans could be with their own kind for a weekend or so. They held rafting trips, fishing, bowling, the list goes on to help us learn to relax in public or be with other veterans. I really commend these groups and am grateful for what they are trying to do but I must say while there are many veterans who certainly benefit form the gatherings, there are many others who simply cannot because they cannot deal with crowds or noises or so many other things that are difficult to explain. PTSD and TBIs manifest themselves differently in every person, and I realized that fact while helping the men and women going through the program. No two veterans suffering from PTSD or a TBI are alike.

There are no set rules that can apply to everyone. My Marine buddy and I began thinking about what could be done for veterans like us to live out our lives with some peace and happiness and we both agreed that solitude helps - either part of the time or in some cases all of the time. We started dreaming how we wish we could have a place to go and be ourselves and not worry about being different or dealing with unwanted situations confronting us all the time. Like I said before, I have lost many friends from my 82nd Airborne group because they could no longer deal with life as it was and ended it all with suicide. I often think back on the last conversation I had with one of those friends who kept saying he wished he could just get away - get away from everyone and clear his head. We discussed that taking ourselves out of society would be a good start and then it hit me like a ton of bricks - Alaska the Final Frontier. By a stroke of luck and perhaps divine intervention, I was able to make it to Alaska and my family and I have been able to spend some quality time with a Yup'ik Native Western Alaska tribe and learning what it takes to live in the Alaskan wilderness. My Marine buddy will soon be making trips with me and my family.

We have found a piece of land to purchase - close to 200 acres - and we intend to create a haven for veterans who need to simply get away in order to live. With 200 acres we can assure everyone the peace and solitude they need and desire because after all they are coming there to "get away from it all". We want to welcome veterans of all ages and backgrounds along with their families to join us in creating a veteran's sanctuary that will give meaning to their lives again. We want them to be free in every aspect and not having to worry every day that they will have to go in to public places and deal with those things that make them so uncomfortable. They will come out and learn how to live off the land, help with building cabins including their own and being part of this veteran's homestead. We will build the cabins together as a community using the trees from the location they choose. The money donated will go to the hiring of services to help our non-profit to be registered and set up legally with the necessary documents as well as toward the purchase of the land. We hope to be lucky enough to purchase wood burning stoves, nets for fishing and other tools needed. My wife is a nurse so low level emergencies can be taken care of by her. The land we found is near a highway that will give us access to the hospital if that arises.

While mentoring I met quite a few veterans who came back and became social workers, so we hope to have a social worker living on the land to help us through tough times. I have been trying to save the money that I get for my retirement to put toward the down payment but have finally realized it will take the rest of my life to get there if I have no help. I am not one to ask for financial help but I just can't do it alone. I am praying that this go fund me request will get us started because I do not want to get another phone call telling me that another one of my buddies has ended it all because they felt they had no where to turn. We want to help any veteran who needs us...who needs you. I am reaching out to veterans now who I know are on the edge and telling them to please be patient because I hope to give them an option soon. We have a Facebook page and a website (Esudaproject.org) for The Esuda Project - The true 1%ers so once we have the land we can go forward and let our veterans know there is a place for them - and a place for us all. My family, myself, my veteran friends and my Marine buddy thank you from the bottom of our hearts.